The Fault In Our Stars

Tonight I struggle. I struggle to breathe normal, to feel ok, to slow my heart rate to normal, to get my shit together. Tonight I'm fucking sad and don't want to deal with it. I fight every urge to cry. But at the same time want to just let it all go. My chest is heavy because my life sucks. Not as much as other lives I'm sure. But it still fucking sucks. Why am I always in a state of borderline emotional breakdown? Oh wait because my husbands deployed and I'm almost 2,000 miles away from any imidiate family that gives a flying fuck because god knows I have no fucking friends. No one to genuinely ask me how I'm doing since my husband left. To ask me if I'm ok when my eyes swell with tears and I start to hyperventilate. My best friend IS my husband. And he's not fucking here. And he won't be for another four months. I keep trying to imagine it as not that long but it is. He's missing our one year wedding anniversary. Some people may not think that's not a big deal but to me it is. Every kind of anniversary is important to me. Every mile marker that holds a special or important significance in our relationship should be celebrated. The first kiss the first date the first time we made love the day we said I do. It's what started US for the rest of our days living and dead. It doesn't help I just sit around in this god forsaken desert and read sad fucking books like The Fault In Our Stars and listen to love songs of all genres. Who I was before my husband seems like a distant past carved in stone that you have to dust off if you ever even think about reviewing it. He's my other half. As stupid and cheesy that sounds. I don't let music or movies or celebs or what everyone else says is love defy how I see or feel love. I know that because of what I know I feel between myself and Shawn. Unlike anything, I feel it; love. I just want him to be home. To make ramen noodles with hot sauce and eggs. To take the laundry to the dryer. To drop me off at work and squeeze my hand tight before I go as if the next almost 12 hours are going to be unbearable without me. I miss him and I miss fighting and then him suggesting we just go for a drive and by the time I stop being stubborn and climb into the car he's got country music playing and a cigarette ready knowing full well that's my cryptonite. I love Shawn. Shawn loves me. I just want him home. I fucking want to go home. I want my husband and my dog and my new couch and my shitty hot apartment. Why does life have to be life?