I'm not good enough. 

The Fault In Our Stars

Tonight I struggle. I struggle to breathe normal, to feel ok, to slow my heart rate to normal, to get my shit together. Tonight I'm fucking sad and don't want to deal with it. I fight every urge to cry. But at the same time want to just let it all go. My chest is heavy because my life sucks. Not as much as other lives I'm sure. But it still fucking sucks. Why am I always in a state of borderline emotional breakdown? Oh wait because my husbands deployed and I'm almost 2,000 miles away from any imidiate family that gives a flying fuck because god knows I have no fucking friends. No one to genuinely ask me how I'm doing since my husband left. To ask me if I'm ok when my eyes swell with tears and I start to hyperventilate. My best friend IS my husband. And he's not fucking here. And he won't be for another four months. I keep trying to imagine it as not that long but it is. He's missing our one year wedding anniversary. Some people may not think that's not a big deal but to me it is. Every kind of anniversary is important to me. Every mile marker that holds a special or important significance in our relationship should be celebrated. The first kiss the first date the first time we made love the day we said I do. It's what started US for the rest of our days living and dead. It doesn't help I just sit around in this god forsaken desert and read sad fucking books like The Fault In Our Stars and listen to love songs of all genres. Who I was before my husband seems like a distant past carved in stone that you have to dust off if you ever even think about reviewing it. He's my other half. As stupid and cheesy that sounds. I don't let music or movies or celebs or what everyone else says is love defy how I see or feel love. I know that because of what I know I feel between myself and Shawn. Unlike anything, I feel it; love. I just want him to be home. To make ramen noodles with hot sauce and eggs. To take the laundry to the dryer. To drop me off at work and squeeze my hand tight before I go as if the next almost 12 hours are going to be unbearable without me. I miss him and I miss fighting and then him suggesting we just go for a drive and by the time I stop being stubborn and climb into the car he's got country music playing and a cigarette ready knowing full well that's my cryptonite. I love Shawn. Shawn loves me. I just want him home. I fucking want to go home. I want my husband and my dog and my new couch and my shitty hot apartment. Why does life have to be life? 

Dance With Me

So if you didn't already know, my husband is currently deployed. It's nothing crazy like Afghanistan or Iraq. He's on a UDP. Don't ask me what that stands for because I have absolutely no idea. He's currently in Fuji, Japan. He has internet so iPhone to iPhone we can text and FaceTime as long as we both have internet connection. It helps, but it's still hard. He left in May and will return in November. 6 months seems long and then again it doesn't. We like to look at it as it could always be worse. The days are slow but the weeks seem to fly by. During his absense I got a puppy. She's a chihuahua schnauzer. Stella is a perfect fit for our little family and I cannot wait for Shawn to come home and meet her. She's such an awesome puppy. It helps to come home everyday to at least something. Because the first week or so of coming home to nothing was borderline torture. It's difficult being apart from someone you love so strongly. To always wonder if their heart hurts like yours does by being separated. To do all the things you normally do, alone. I miss everything about Shawn, but mostly the little things. Like looking over at him while were on the couch eating ramen noodles and watching Netflix and just feeling my heart skip a beat. To smile for no reason and not realize it while staring at him. Going to the grocery store and singing dumb songs together on the five minute drive there. His hand on my leg while driving to work. Being able to wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and just look over and feel so calm and content; so safe. Feeling his skin next to mine. I miss everything. But at the end of the day I just have to remember that all this will eventually end. He will eventually come home. And we can be us again. Together. I can't wait for that. I'm so excited to pick him up in November. I have such a great suprise for him. I can't spill any details right now. Not like anyone will read this blog anyway, but just in case. 

I'm not sure what the point of this post even is really. Just kinda to clear my head I guess. My thoughts are whats kill me most during this whole thing. Sometimes I cry for no reason other than I miss him. Other times I cry because it's hard knowing what all he's missing back here at home. His 22nd birthday, the Fourth of July, our 1yr wedding anniversary, his daughters 5th birthday, Halloween, my 21st birthday. All big and small things that we would have much rather spent or celebrated together. 

We've been married for about 9 1/2 months. And everyday we fall in love all over again. Even on the roughest days. Because no matter the fight, we can't go to bed mad at each other. It's a waste of a night that we should be spending in each others arms. 

Well I'm all out of thoughts I think, for now anyway. Goodnight everyone. 

Acoustic Vibes

Today is just one of those days that just feels good. I woke up in a relatively good mood. I made coffee, started laundry, played my favorite acoustic playlist, and enjoyed a refreshing glass of strawberry infused water. Some friends that partied here at my place last night stayed here and had coffee and chatted with me this morning as well. It was nice. Reminds me of when my mom would have her little 'coffee club' gatherings. I wish I had some friends here to do that with. Some sweet woman that just like to get together, have coffee, bull shit and gossip. That would be nice. But, for now I s'pose I can just continue to have coffee with my puppy.

You

Today I came across these pictures. 

They said a lot to me. 

It was almost as if I could feel the passion of each elderly couple in every photo. 

And every picture made me feel passion in a different way. 

Because you can love someone in so many ways, and for so many years. 

These couples pictures can tell a story with just one photo of two individuals together.

They speak volumes of how love can never fade. How true love can never dull. It goes for as long as you want it to. As long as you both make it work. 

Will you be my slow dance when it's just you and me in the middle of the day hanging out reading newspapers and drinking coffee? 

Will you be my tightest hug when I'm feeling down?

Will you let me give you suprise hugs while your busy and still just laugh it off? 

Will you be my beach date when we really are too old to be on the beach anyway?

Will you be my kisses in the park when we walk our dogs and take a break because my knees hurt? 

Will you let me cry on your shoulder and be my rock when my mother or father passes away? 

Will you show me passion in every way, every day? 

And will you do it all, forever and eternity? 

I believe you will.

You are my everyday, my always. Your the one I want to grow old with. 

I love you. 

*sigh*

I miss my husband. 

I feel like I miss him more than a normal person would miss anything. And he's only been gone one day so far. I still have four more days to go. But still it seems so hard. My home seems no longer a home. My bed so cold and vacant. What am I gonna do when he goes to japan for six to eight months?! That shit is going to kill me! Ugh. I'm just having a lonely sappy day. I really miss my husband. Almost as much as I love him. 

29 Palms

This is where it all started. This hot, sandy, training area. 29 Palms is the biggest Marine Corps training area you could ever set foot on. Right now, mid December, it's about 40°-50° during the day and about 37°- below freezing every night. When I first hit things off with my now husband, it was here. Late April, early May. We were here for a training exercise. It was hot then. Like, temps almost always a high 90° or above. No humidity. So it was very hot and pretty dry, drastic change from what it is now. I hate the idea of 29 palms. Coming out here for weeks on end, "training". But I love the feeling I get when we first roll up in a convoy, remembering this was where it all started. 

I'm on week two without my husband. I'm doing radio things here with hqbn. He's off doing radio things with tanks. I left a week before he did. He would text me and tell me how he hated sleeping alone. How he almost had to sleep on the couch because sleeping in our bed without me made him miserable.

It's things like that, that remind me how special 29 Palms REALLY is. Aside from the terrible weather, lack of sleep, and always working, 29 Palms will always have something special about it. My husband and I had our first conversations here, even our first kiss. (Kinda gross I know, the field environment really isn't ideal for a first kiss but with us it just kinda happened.) We became so connected here. It's where that first 'spark' went off inside of us making us realize we were meant to be together. 

So, I guess all I'm really trying to do is find the good in the bad. Make this lonely field op seem not as awful by remembering the good that came out of the first time I was here. 

Well 4 more days and I'll be home bound to my double pillow top queen bed and fluffy comforter and warm cozy apartment, with my incredible husband.